As it turns out, my life didn’t become magically wonderful as soon as I got out of rehab. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great being out and a lot of things are better now that I’m sober. But being sober is not easy. They say that getting sober is the easy part– it’s staying sober that’s hard. Well, for me, both are pretty fucking hard. Getting sober was miserable. I went to rehab kicking and screaming, counting the days until freedom. But freedom’s not so easy either.
Cravings are such a bitch. Thankfully, I’m being drug tested by the Bar which really takes away a lot of the temptation to actually go out there and use. But the thoughts are still there, tormenting me until I wrap my brain around something else to try to rid myself of the obsession. And work has been painful without the Vyvanse. Ironically, when I was in rehab all I wanted to do was go back to work. And now that I’m back, I’m miserable. The hours drag by and my ability to focus without the Vyvanse is compromised. I spend the day fantasizing about leaving early and dreaming up excuses to go home.
And when I actually do leave early, I just laze around at home, griping about not have anything to do. My brain is sluggish. I struggle to summon the motivation to do anything creative or even just to get out of the house. I’m constantly resolving to exercise but I lack the drive to put on my running shoes and walk out of the front door.
I suppose I’m getting a little dose of reality. Rehab doesn’t magically change your life, you have to change and that change takes time. There are a lot of things I’m working on but constantly working on myself gets tiresome. I have a lot to be grateful for and I try to remember that during my low moments.
These days, I’m just feeling sluggish.