I feel like I’m on the upswing. I’m over 60 days into rehab (finally!) and things are starting to get easier. Sort of. I spent the weekend at home on a therapeutic leave from treatment, which was absolutely divine. Once you’re about two-thirds of the way done with rehab you’re eligible for one of these leaves. Some people are crazy and don’t take one. I’m crazy but not that crazy — I was ready to get the fuck out of dodge, even for two days.
Unfortunately, I’ve now reacquired the itch to leave. During my first few weeks here I was (almost) literally itching to leave. My life outside of rehab was all I could think about and was the only place I wanted to be. After awhile, however, Stockholm Syndrome set in. Things got easier, and institutionalization started to feel normal. I got used to the fact that I was going to gain at least 15 pounds. I got used to travelling everywhere in a white 15 passenger van. I got used to spending my days cooped up in a big old house with 20 other women, crying and talking about our feelings.
But with that little taste of freedom, 48 hours at home with my family, I reacquired that itch. It’s not unbearable — I know that the end is in sight — but it’s enough to make me malcontent. I just want to fast forward through the next month of my life. I’m ready to get back out there, armed with the tools I’ve acquired in rehab. Because rehab has killed my desire to use. I’m ready to end that chapter of my life. I’m tired of feeling crazy, of numbing myself to anything painful, and of missing out on life. I’ve been living in a fog these last few years and I’m realizing that I like what sobriety feels like.
So I’m trucking along. I came in kicking and screaming but I’m finally starting to reach a place of acceptance. I’m just ready to get my freedom back and start living my life again on the outside. I’ve still got some time left here though. And even though I’m starting to get that itch, I can tell I’m on the upswing.