Infinite Sleep

All I do these days is sleep– and I’m already an excessive sleeper.  Yesterday, I took a nap at 1:00 in the afternoon and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off at 7:00 am this morning.  And these days, that isn’t unusual.
I’m avoiding something and sleep is the best escape there is.  I’m avoiding being conscious; being alive in my present.  Because right now, my present is purgatory. I’m stuck in between real life and rehab.  With less than two weeks to go until my check-in date, now is not the time to start new projects, to go grocery shopping, to start anything that can’t wait 90 days to finish.
It’s terrible that I’m spending all this time asleep because I mean to be spending more time with my dog, awake.  I can’t take her with me and thinking about leaving her alone while I’m stuck in rehab is enough to make me cry today.  I shudder to think of the mess I’ll be in 13 days when it’s actually time to say goodbye. I’m scared she’ll forget me, although I know she won’t.  I’m scared that she’ll think she’s been abandoned, and I hate that there’s nothing I can tell her now that will make the separation easier for her.  
Every day is ugly and I’m tired of looking out at gray skies from eleven stories up.  I know should be enjoying my shrinking days of freedom but I’m just not.  I drag my feet everywhere I go and can’t shake the feeling of weight that hangs off of me.  Even though I’m shedding pounds as I go, I feel heavier with each day that brings me closer to rehab.
It’s not that I feel doomed, per se. I know I’ll survive and the 90 days will pass soon enough.  It’s just this purgatory of a waiting period that’s killing me.  Living outside of the present hasn’t done anything to make the here and now more appealing.  This waiting is a paralysis that’s killing my desire to live out these waiting weeks.
And so my body’s decided to sleep what’s left of my life away.  Time goes by faster when you don’t have to think. Or feel.  And don’t want to feel– I want to fast forward.  I’m ready for my check-out day, and until I check-in it feels like my life is on hold.  And so I’m operating in stand-by mode.
And instead of seeking out the present, I’m taking the easy way out and reaching for infinite sleep.

6 responses to “Infinite Sleep

  • Gretchen Getsinger

    From my experience: Talk to your dog. Be very honest about what’s going on with you so she can help. Tell her she’s not abandoned and that you’ll be back. Take her for a long walk and talk every day. You’re in my thoughts.

  • riselikeair

    You make a good point. I would think pets would be excellent therapy when a person is in rehab. Would be nice if there was a way to keep your animals with you. A whole side of rehab that I never even thought of before. Glad you got up long enough to post. You probably aren’t allowed to post from rehab? But if not you should write everyday so you can post (if you choose) later. Can you try to set up some sense of “normal routine” for yourself while you’re there to try to make it bearable? If you start it now, it might bring some comfort to continue it in rehab. Something like read, write, paint, short nap, exercise, and of course show interest in other patients and your rehab process (of course remembering to smile happily during all of this) Just a thought. I find when I’m in really stressful situations having a routine can help keep my feet on the ground.

    • gmercier4388

      I’ll actually be posting while I’m in rehab! I’m mailing letters to my brother who will then post the content on the blog so that I can keep my blog up to date 🙂

      And you’re completely right– having a routine makes such a difference. I know that at the rehab center I’m going to they schedule your days so you have very little free time. It’s good because it will keep me busy and hopefully the time will go by faster, but I’m worried I won’t have enough time to write and do my art projects. I guess we’ll see how it goes….

  • cabrogal

    Thank god for sleep.

    Yeah, I’ve been inclined to use it to escape from my waking life but when I’m not getting enough sleep it’s usually reliable sign my life is about to come unstuck big time.

    Bummer about your dog. I reckon three days with a beloved pet is more likely to be rehabilitative than three months with a bunch of shrinks and counselors.

    I just went through another strong bonding period with one of my rabbits after he got very sick for about a month. I don’t think I’d handle having to abandon him for 90 days very well at all.

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