All I do these days is sleep– and I’m already an excessive sleeper. Yesterday, I took a nap at 1:00 in the afternoon and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off at 7:00 am this morning. And these days, that isn’t unusual.
I’m avoiding something and sleep is the best escape there is. I’m avoiding being conscious; being alive in my present. Because right now, my present is purgatory. I’m stuck in between real life and rehab. With less than two weeks to go until my check-in date, now is not the time to start new projects, to go grocery shopping, to start anything that can’t wait 90 days to finish.
It’s terrible that I’m spending all this time asleep because I mean to be spending more time with my dog, awake. I can’t take her with me and thinking about leaving her alone while I’m stuck in rehab is enough to make me cry today. I shudder to think of the mess I’ll be in 13 days when it’s actually time to say goodbye. I’m scared she’ll forget me, although I know she won’t. I’m scared that she’ll think she’s been abandoned, and I hate that there’s nothing I can tell her now that will make the separation easier for her.
Every day is ugly and I’m tired of looking out at gray skies from eleven stories up. I know should be enjoying my shrinking days of freedom but I’m just not. I drag my feet everywhere I go and can’t shake the feeling of weight that hangs off of me. Even though I’m shedding pounds as I go, I feel heavier with each day that brings me closer to rehab.
It’s not that I feel doomed, per se. I know I’ll survive and the 90 days will pass soon enough. It’s just this purgatory of a waiting period that’s killing me. Living outside of the present hasn’t done anything to make the here and now more appealing. This waiting is a paralysis that’s killing my desire to live out these waiting weeks.
And so my body’s decided to sleep what’s left of my life away. Time goes by faster when you don’t have to think. Or feel. And don’t want to feel– I want to fast forward. I’m ready for my check-out day, and until I check-in it feels like my life is on hold. And so I’m operating in stand-by mode.
And instead of seeking out the present, I’m taking the easy way out and reaching for infinite sleep.