I’ve been working towards an ending for a long time. Months now. I started blogging in search of an ending and here I am– still searching. Maybe I can’t start from the end because I don’t know what the end looks like. Maybe I don’t have an ending. Or maybe I’m afraid of what the end looks like.
Or maybe this is my ending. Today. The stupid, ugly, tiresome present. The end, my end. I’ll tell my story from the end, and, in doing so, give you a picture of my present.
Here’s what it looks like: anxiety stretched out to the max, no substances to lean on, living in limbo– I’m dying for an end.
The Bar Admissions Committee is breathing down my neck. Hard. “Other information obtained by the Committee reveals certain information that raises some concerns including your treatment for Bipolar disorder. As a result, the Committee has determined that further inquiry will be necessary in order to make an appropriate assessment regarding your fitness to practice.”
Every time I read it, it makes my stomach turn, my anxiety rises in my gut, and I feel empty. I’m waiting for an ending.
My naked records, hospitalizations and all, have arrived at the Committee and are awaiting judgment. The things in those records– things said, admitted, disclosed under the thick and protective cloak of confidentiality— those things are what haunt me.
I’m terrified. Terrified that the Committee will look at my arguably ugly record and do their worst– Admission Denied. I’m terrified that the ending, the conclusion of the Committee’s investigation, will be my end. The conclusion of my law practice, a practice so short lived it was never given a chance to take flight.
Will the eyes of the Committee be sharp enough to see my scars? These scars, scars left by periods of instability, left by leaving lovers, left in the wake of hospitalizations gone awry, will the Committee see these scars? Will this be my end?
So here’s my story, from end to beginning: I know how this all began. And it’s not the beginning I’m scared of. It’s the end.
The end. (Or the beginning?)