Holiday Weekends

Holidays are hard because they reminder me of the same date, the same holiday, the year before.

“Next year will be different,” I assure myself last year.  I was sure that by then I’d have a boyfriend to show off to my friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, and  grandparents who believe that I am either an old maid or a lesbian because I’m still single.

Instead of facing the tragedy of another failed attempt to bring a boyfriend, I day dream.  I dream that I have someone to sit next to me and to help me avoid the murky waters of small talk, Someone I could sneak off with, after making our polite but quick good byes.

Then the night would be ours.

Well, it looks like I’m in for another year of solitude.  How am I spending my labor day? Alone.  The weather is nice, I have errands I could run, I could go for a bike ride– maybe I will.  But I’m holed up in my room, stressed beyond belief about bar Admissions standards.  It’s sadder but safe to stay in here.  I’m two weeks sober from weed and months from the other stuff.

But I’m depressed.  Crossing the threshold is work, the sun is too bright, the lines are too long and, saddest of all, I have no one to share it with.

I guess I need those meds after after all.

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10 responses to “Holiday Weekends

  • kateyk12

    I know what you mean about relatives assuming you are gay because you don’t have a man. It is hard enough to make friends,but hard to trust people enough for dating.

  • Gretchen Getsinger

    Go out anyway. A half hour walk may be just the change you need and will give you a lift.

    • gmercier4388

      you’re totally right– (this is going to souunds disgustingly lazing– but it’s getting me feet over that front door that does me, My goal for today is to walk the dog. Hopefuly that will be helpful!

      • Gretchen Getsinger

        I’ve had problems with Depression all my life. I understand how difficult it is to get one’s feet out the door. Think how happy your dog will be to get out for a walk and that will probably help, too.

  • cabrogal

    Yeah, I was the same with holidays. Especially birthdays. Especially mine.

    It can be hard to be crazy and be worried about what other people think of you as well. Maybe you need I t-shirt that says “I am not a dyke! I’m a lunatic!!! Will you be my friend?”.

    I guess I need those meds after after all.

    Don’t forget it can take 90 days for some stuff – SSRIs for example – to wash out of your system. Until then you don’t know if you’re depressed or withdrawing (aka ‘SSRI discontinuation syndrome’ – they don’t like to call it ‘withdrawals’ when it’s something they’ve prescribed).

    And while I know how ridiculous this sounds, is it really all that bad being depressed? Maybe it’s something you need to work through. And maybe it’s a lot harder to do with drugs.

    They don’t seem to have any difficulty calling alcohol and illegal drugs ’emotional crutches’ and warning of their crippling effects on your personal development. It’s not surprising that in the West the claim that “you will need to be on medications for the rest of your life” tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, while in third world countries where they can’t afford to medicate everyone who is mentally ill the long term prognosis for patients is better than in the West.

    I’m not you though.
    It’s pretty easy to tell a paraplegic to get up and walk, but it’s pretty cruel and stupid too.

    • gmercier4388

      Oh birthdays are definitely the worst. I’ve been off the SSRIs for awhile now– and the withdrawal syndrome was HELL. I love being hypo/manic (who doesn’t) but my depression gets pretty ugly. It hinders my creativity and makes it really hard to work on my paintings, which are one of my emotional outlets. And I cry over the laundry when I’m depressed. And at work, which is a no-no. So, for me, depression is bad. And it’s landed me in the hospital. Thanks for your insight though! You always have something knowledgeable and interesting to say and I really appreciate the advice and support 🙂

  • Aimer Shama

    August is my instability season too. It takes me till the end of September to fully recover, that is why “Wake me up when september ends” is my favorite song 🙂

    • gmercier4388

      Good song! I had a psychiatrist diagnose me with “reverse” seasonal affectedness disorder. Maybe that’s what we’re suffering from!

      • Aimer Shama

        Maybe their making shit up haha.

      • cabrogal

        You could try moving to Australia to get your seasonal affective disorder back into synch ;).

        But I think Aimer’s second opinion is a good one.
        P-docs seem to think if they can make up a word to describe some symptoms they’ve actually said something.

        Mind you, I get ‘seasonal affective disorder’ in spring.
        It’s more usually called ‘hayfever’ and it’s pretty depressing.

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