I miss my dreams.  Now I am haunted and plagued by dreams of longing and sometimes loss.  If I can get to sleep that is.  I’m plagued by dreams of getting jilted– left at the alter, he gets cold feet, he cheats on me on our wedding night.  Sometimes the groom is someone I know, sometimes it’s someone I don’t even recognize.

Other times I dream of my ex, the ex, and these are the worst.  We never fight, in my dreams, but he always represents something frustrating in the dream, something beyond reach that I desperately need.  Desperation does not make for success.  I awake unsatisfied and unable to shake the dream.  These frustration dreams stay with my for months or more, haunting me, nagging me.

But now I don’t really sleep.  I’ve become a night owl, the loneliest little night owl on the block.  Like an owl, I’m up all night but, unlike the lucky little owl, I have to make it through the day.  For the owl, the night is the day.  And lately I’ve been shedding pounds like my little owl sheds feathers or a dog sheds a winter coat.  I’ve stopped trying to lose weight.  But it’s hard without an appetite.

It’s harder to explain myself.  I had someone tell me today that I need to end my blog posts with some “hope.”  But what if, today, I don’t see the hope?  I’m trying, trying so hard, to get better but I’m sick sick sick and not every day is a good day.  I’m bipolar and I’m stuck in a bad depression.  One I’m slowing climbing out of.  But is that enough for hope?  Can I promise my friends I’ll be all better, the ones that remain?

I know the cutting is disturbing.  And my last critic expressed his disdain for such content.  But I’m telling my full story.  And for right now, unfortunately, cutting is part of my story.  It won’t always be this way, at least that’s what the doctor’s tell me.  I’m planning a series of posts to show how I got to be where I am; it wasn’t always like this.

I’m swimming but sinking gets harder to avoid on these lonely nights.  My coping mechanisms are gone and I’m left with myself.  Maybe that’s what I can’t tolerate.  Being with myself. Or myself.  Is there a difference?

So here’s some hope: I hope I stop feeling like this, I wish things didn’t have to change because of what I am, and I just want to go home.  I’m doing the best I can.  Is that good enough?  Who can say, I’m sure time will tell– regardless of whether that’s an accurate measure.  Time is lauded as the curer and soother of all wounds, it promises to even it all out, to make it all better.  But what if I don’t have time? I’m impatient.  I’m tired of feeling like this.  I’m ready to get better.

And maybe that’s all it takes– the desire to get better.  It sounds like a good option to me.  I have some measure of control over my desires.  That is what I will desire.  And maybe “hope” will follow.  For now, my truth is enough.  It’s mine and I’m sorry if it’s distasteful or disturbing but it’s real.  And that’s a noble pursuit– a truth of your own.  It’s something to hope for and more, it’s something to chase, to pursue, to conquer and look deeply in the eyes.

So here’s to hoping.  I’ve been sinking but I’m trying to stay afloat.  I wish I could say the days get easier but that’s just not true.  What’s true is that I’m still here and I want to be.  I want to keep dreaming. And I will wait for the good dreams to return, the ones that called me to bed.

I never wanted to be an owl.  But here I am, and, for now, that has to be enough.  Being here.  Making it through another day.  Staying afloat.


10 responses to “Dreams

  • cabrogal

    ” I had someone tell me today that I need to end my blog posts with some “hope.” ”

    Good advice if you plan to do some Hollywood screenwriting.
    If you want to write about real life though …

    Even in my worst depressions my dreams have usually provided a refuge (from depression that is – not trauma). The problem with that is waking back up to my life. I can actually feel it settle over me like a dank, oppressive blanket as the dream melts away.

    There’s always hope because things always get better.
    There’s always hopelessness because they always get worse again.
    I guess logically we should feel most hopeless when we’re at our happiest.

  • Raeyn

    You definitely don’t owe anyone anything. It’s your path, it’s your health. You’ve got to do what you need to do to get by.

  • riselikeair

    The truth may be hard to hear and understand sometimes, but it’s what we need to move to understanding and from there to change. Keep writing just like you do, it’s educating, it’s real and it’s therapeutic. “What’s true is that I’m still here and I want to be. I want to keep dreaming. And I will wait for the good dreams to return, the ones that called me to bed.” Awesome and Hopeful all wrapped into one.

  • One-in-Mind

    I agree with some above comments. And I can relate to your feelings…
    Maybe not in their entirety, but in sharing a commonality… mental distress.
    You must never apologize for writing what you think and feel. This is YOUR domain. And your therapist was excellent at suggesting you keep this blog.
    I spent most of my life until I was 20 depressed, abused, bi-polar, PTSD you name it.. it was there. And still is… on some days.
    But it’s this word ‘happiness’ that strikes me most.
    If someone had of told me in the midst of my mental health journey – supposedly on one of the ‘bad’ days I would have laughed in their face, or kicked them out of my environment for trying to hold me accountable to my own happiness.
    And maybe you won’t want to hear this from me – That is fine. But after all the years of wondering why I was suffering, why after all the pain things didn’t seem to improve. I was introduced to Nichiren Buddhism.

    “And maybe that’s all it takes– the desire to get better. It sounds like a good option to me. I have some measure of control over my desires. That is what I will desire. And maybe “hope” will follow. For now, my truth is enough. ”

    Your truth IS enough. You are Enough – just as you are. But you need to believe it. You need this ‘desire’ to get better. To win over your battles, or to let those days wash over you but not take you for the rest of the week.
    Experience those emotions, write…. and know that by accepting your emotions — And by having a deep seated desire to get better YOU have ALL the founding blocks you need for creating an elevated state of life. A life of happiness. A one of resolve and strength to overcome your obstacles.

    “No matter how healthy, intelligent or affluent we may be, if our minds are weak, then our happiness will also be frail and brittle. Our minds of faith, moreover, enable us to bring out the full potential in all things and situations, so it is crucial that we strive to forge our minds of faith.”
    Daisaku Ikeda

    You may not be religious, or think highly of philosophy of the Buddhist nature. But in any case, forging ‘faith’ in yourself! is also key to strengthening your mind, body and soul to cope with those ‘bad’ days.

    Much Love and Peace to you. x Keep up the great writing, and journey.
    You are not alone.


  • littlethings

    I love your blog xxx I passed on the Liebster award to you – check out my blog about it http://tanyathorntonblog.wordpress.com/2013/04/30/the-liebster-award/

  • kaylee

    I really feel so bad for the pain you are going through, and what your old friends put you through. I am very confused about bi-polar disorder, I am just in highschool and don’t know much about it. Do you have free will when you have bi-polar? Do you get control over what you feel or think? All the stuff I read sort of makes it sound like you can’t. It seems like a very double edged sword because everyone wants people to stand by them when they are doing or saying things they can’t help because of their disease. But it sounds like everyone also needs to feel hope that you do have control actions and words and feelings. I really don’t mean to aggravate anything. I am actually just confused. Like, can a Girl Divided actually choose to become a Buddhist, or is it that the symptoms of the illness improving? Maybe these questions are too heavy, but your blog is very thought provoking.

    • cabrogal

      Wow, big questions kaylee.

      What about you?
      Do you have a free will?
      Do you control what you feel and think?

      I know I can’t answer those about myself – but then I’m bipolar.

      Don’t know if you can ‘choose’ to be a Buddhist – I suspect you have to work at it – but Buddhist practices like vipassana can lead to some non-conventional notions about thoughts, emotions and ‘control’.

      • kaylee

        Yeah I know. I don’t know if I have self control or not. I am religious and I believe that I have freely chosen Christ. But maybe I’m also lucky because I was blessed to be able to choose because of my body’s brain chemistry, so I cannot judge how it must feel to live in another person’s mind with their struggles and choices.

        I feel like I struggle to make good decisions, and usually do make the right decisions about things like food and studying and drugs. But maybe I’m just blessed to have a brain chemistry that makes me more likely to win that struggle. Maybe the idea that it is a struggle for me is the illusion–and its actually easy for me because of my brain chemistry. Christ teaches us to be humble and maybe I shouldn’t give myself too much credit for my good decisions, just like A Girl Divided shouldn’t beat herself up for cutting herself or being in pain or having to struggle with her illness.

      • cabrogal

        “Christ teaches us to be humble and maybe I shouldn’t give myself too much credit for my good decisions, just like A Girl Divided shouldn’t beat herself up for cutting herself or being in pain or having to struggle with her illness.”

        Amen to that, kaylee.

  • napperscompanion

    “Truth is enough.” Yep. I’m sitting on my porch in Erie, Pennsylvania, with my mutt Watson and genuinely caring about your healing. Peace . . . and truth.

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